Poolside Attire

Again, the usual morning treadmill/elliptical cycle with a bird’s eye view of the resort pool.

Below me, I observe the usual toddler accompanied by their nannies. Toddlers wearing a swimsuit or a diaper. Also observed was a fair amount of adults, mostly middle aged men and women since the younger crowd weren’t up yet from partying the night before at our “disco.”  Most of the men were wearing trunks that went from waist to knees; while the women wore a one piece or a tankini with a few brave souls wearing modest two-piece suits…

…and then she took off her cover up… and revealed the largest badonkadonka buttocks in no less than a green string bikini! Emphasis on string! Yeowza!

I’m certain Nadine’s Momma, Mawdine, would have said, “Honey, let’s run over to the gift shop and buy Miss Badonkadonka an appropriate cover-up”

What?!!! Omar the Tent maker doesn’t have a cover up to fit that behind!

But you know, somehow, on that gal, it worked! In order to parade around like Ms. America, one has to have a certain attitude. And “she” had the attitude needed to pull it off.  Best of all…no one handed her a red card.

Jose’! Fetch the car baby! We’re going swim suit shopping!

Ya’ll know I’m just kidding. It would take significantly more than a court order for this 51 ½ year old woman to wear a swimsuit like that!  

Chlorine and the Church Purse Throw down

Chlorine and the Church Purse Throw down

Not too very long ago, my FAVORITE cousin, Chlorine, and I had a throw down at church over who had the most useful items in her purse.

It began when someone came to our table and asked for a pen. Well, we both went to purse diving like a professional dumpster diver (our very own Thriftine!) and came up with several pens each. When I exclaimed that I even had a Sharpie…it was on.

Chlorine’s eyes glazed over as she fingered a fancy looking pencil and asked, with a long southern drawl and a twinkle in eye, if I had a Mary Kay eye pencil. I replied I did not, but I would see her Mary Kay eye pencil and raise her with several colored Sharpies that could possibly have multi use as either eye or lip liner. You ever seen a Chola-girl? Then you know what I mean! See Chola girl picture below if you don’t!

 

                       

Chlorine pulled out her I-phone (hey! Just cause we live in a Trailer Park doesn’t mean we don’t need to be connected! Don’t judge…they’re not Obamaphones…we paid for them ourselves!)…However, I trumped her with my I-phone with upgraded 326 ppi camera and built in flash light!

I then presented matches from an assortment of restaurants, including matches from the (at the present time, thought to be permanently closed Candle Lite Inn; but Thank You Jesus and Alan Petsche for the resurrection of the Candle Lite Inn!)…only to be outdone by Chlorine’s multiple matchbooks and a cool yellow Ed Hardy lighter!

She then slammed a pocket knife on the table that I easily over rid with my Swiss Army Knife, complete with wine bottle opener. A prized possession of mine given to me by the late Uncle Hooter Bob and my “almost” switch blade knife Jose’ brought me from Korea.

By this time the frenzied throw-down had drawn a crowd of on lookers, ok maybe 3 or 4 people were paying attention to our silliness.

Then she pulled out the tissues, 3 different packages and I have to admit, hers were cuter with little designs on the package than any I had in my purse.

Tissues lead to hand sanitizer. And yet again, hers was the better smelling kind. Alas, my Germ-X was no match for her Raspberry Pink Peony hand sanitizer from Bath and Body Works.  

Almost simultaneously we both pulled out a tape measure, akin to two cowboys in a shoot-out at the O.K. Corral.

She had safety pins. But, I had safety pins of all sizes and assortment, even the little tiny baby gold ones, attached to one of them jumbo Momma-hoonie safety pins. Neither one of us had a Diaper pin.

I had a few Band aids, with packaging I’ll admit had seen better days…and she had disposable Baby Wipes.

Chlorine had a complete zippered leopard nail kit that beat my finger nail clippers and emery board to a pitiful painful pulp.

Just when I was afraid she would pull out a “Chicken La-La” casserole out of that big old bag… the envy of any Southern Nazarene Church social (recipe to be shared soon)…

Ta-da! I found the Coup de grâce!

 A one way valve, mouth-to-mouth oral resuscitation device for Emergency Responders!!! I had won.

With perfect humility and good sportsmanship…Chlorine laid her very expensive Coach handbag down on the table and at that very moment, raised both hands in the air with palms out and began to wave her arms up and down, bending at the waist with her whole body, in deference to me….the ruling Queen!

            It’s good to be a Self-Proclaimed Renaissance Trailer Park Queen.

Monty Hall would be so proud.

Who is Nadine? And who are the infamous Self-Proclaimed Trailer Park Queens?

They call me Ishmael.

Ok, so my name really isn’t Ishmael, its Nadine Bodine…but I just thought I would say that to get your attention and to sound literate and smart and all that.

Actually, my full name is Nadine Cleta Layuna… Bodine.  The Cleta Layuna part comes from my g-maw’s sisters, two of the sweetest great Aunts a girl could EVER have.  Aunts?  Now it all depends on where you are from as to how you say it.  In the South, for some squirrely reason, if you are white (pronounced wiiii-te), Aunt is pronounced like the little pic-nic bugs…you know, common spelling, “ant.”  While the Yankees and all of the rest of the southerners pronounce it properly, sounds like “Ahhh-nt; ” and, is properly spelled,”Aunt.” … But I digress. To the Queens list!!! Hurry! This drum roll is taking too long!

NADINE’S HAPPY FAMILY TRAILER PARK QUEENS

Nadine Bodine-A Self-Proclaimed Renaissance Trailer Park Queen…it came to me in a dream.

Jose’-My husband …his favorite wife gave him that name.

 

Nadine and Jose’s gbabies-Listed by order of birth

Skeeter-the first born, known to many as “the baby Skeeter”…almost like “the baby Jesus,” but not in a sacrilegious kind of way. Note… I underlined “almost.”

Nacho-…the second born and middle child, forever. God Bless his heart!

Sha-nay-nay– …the baby girl we waited so long for just so we could buy pink, ruffles, tutus, bows and all things girlie!

In Alphabetical Order…I give you…The Self-Proclaimed Trailer Park Queens:

Caffeine-An AXO sister and former college roomie… drinks a lot of coffee and currently lives in a Million Dollar Trailer Park in Austin, Texas

Chastine-A nursey friend…also a Leprechaun, noted for saving a woman from an attacker, recently!…literally saved her Chastity!

Chlorine-My FAVORITE cousin…has the cleanest trailer in the whole park, probably the whole world! We go waaaaaaaay back cruising Pals Hamburgers, smoking candy cigarettes and sneaking in to the drive-in picture show. She used to even share her boyfriends with me…I was 5, she was 17.

Cletaine-My aunt…Maydine’s baby sister and one of 3 of the “hoot sisters”…she thinks she can heal people when she puts her hands on them…I’m not one to doubt it.

Cuisine-My aunt…cause she cooks better than a hairy-legged biker at a chili cook-off! Loonier than a toon and sweet as pie!

Curline-My neighbor…A Spiritual Warrior in the Trailer Park, mother of four perfect children and married to Dennis the Menace

Dramamine-My daughter…my own personal ‘Mini Me’, drama mama…need I say anymore?

Geraldine-A nursey friend…Our only Ebony Queen and also a Leprechaun

Glowdine- A cousin…Because she simply glows, married to one of my favorite biker cousins, she is a force to be reckoned with! Just ask her!

Godine-A nursey friend…A Leprechaun, always on the go!

Jeweline –A nursey friend…A precious Jewel of a Queen and also a Leprechaun

Joline-My neighbor… Official Happy Family Trailer Park wine connoisseur, Angel of Mercy and home to all strays (animal and human alike) and married to Walter (don’t ask)

Kerosene-my baby sister…Volatile with a flash point between 100-150 degrees, she can go from total sweetheart to total psycho beeyach in under 30 seconds…a real Fire Cracker that sings like an Angel

Layunine-my 91 year old Aunt…her full name is Julia Cladis Layuna Small Thomas Londagin, but the kids call her MomJu…one of 3 of the “hoot sisters”

Maybelline-My BFF from the 8th grade…currently shares the same Million Dollar Trailer Park Zip Code as the Bass Brothers (not kidding)

Maydine-my Mam-maw …my 95 year old, Matriarch and Spiritual Warrior of the entire clan and Ring Leader of the “hoot sisters”

Mawdine-My Mother …my favorite Momma, full-time Mother and Grandmother, parti-time Father and the first person I ever loved. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her!

Modine-A dear friend and LHS Queen…we go waaaaaaaaaay back to an earlier Trailer Park, one of the only times I was a bridesmaid instead of the bride at a wedding

Moline-A nursey friend…a beautiful spirit, a friend to all creatures and also a Leprechaun

(Opaline-Mam-maw Opal… g-maw deceased, God Bless her soul!, occasionally she stops by and we virtual chat)

Praylene-My dear friend and partner in many unsolved crimes…her Momma was a Georgia Peach and the name was fitting to honor her

Squirrelline-A nursey friend…a recent Queen addition, D.A.D.S. survivor, should

probably be more of a Saint than a Queen

Thriftine-My cousin…the Trailer Park Robin Hood…she dives, fearlessly and with great glamour and ease, to take from the dumpster and up-cycle to the poor! She has a very kind and giving heart… and about 1,000 cats

 

Presently On double top secret purgatory probation

Ethylene-a nursey friend…ethyl (as in alcohol), a Leprechaun

 

No longer live in the Trailer Park…needs no explanation.

Frenchine-…a Leprechaun

Fayline-…former BFF, get the net!

 You can be a “little” crazy, or you can be a “little” mean, sometimes (but not to each other!!!), but you can’t be Crazy AND Mean, or we’ll ask you to leave.

Now you know.

Respectfully published by Nadine Bodine…your very best friend in the whole wide world!

 

New Traditions/Movie Reviews a la Nadine Bodine

New Traditions/Movie Reviews a la Nadine Bodine

Ever since Jose’ and I were married and blended our families just six short years ago, we have instituted what we call “new traditions.”

These traditions are founded in the old traditions of childhood and former relationships that are new and improved and are now “ours.” We have many like the 6 month rule (to be discussed at a later posting), no texting at the dinner table, birthday dinners and Christmastime to name a few.

For example, at Christmastime, to avoid all of the hassle, hustle and bustle, we have our family Christmas, aka the Vinton Family Christmas, the Saturday before Christmas Day. Thereby exercising any conflict with our children’s other parents, partner’s/husband’s parents and/or friends. We get them ALL to ourselves for the entire time. And anyone and everyone else is welcome, family or friends. We always have extra plates and gifts for “strays.” No excuses that they need to come late or leave early because of someone else’s plans (for them) for the day! Perfectly designed. Don’t you think?

Moving to Al Ain has set us up for the invention of a few welcome new traditions. Being such close quarters and all, moving from a single wide to a hotel room has brought to light the need to “get out.” So, Jose and I have instituted Tuesday night at the Movies. Most of the time, I let him pick; and, since we both have basically the same taste and take on theatre, we are agreed. I will start posting a movie review each week called “Heads Up In Movieland” for your enjoyment and commentary.

As I do not consider myself a “critic” it will serve more as an information gathering. Personally, I don’t ever listen to the critics. As I once was “shell shocked” by a negative review by none other than Ms. Jane Horowitz (some of you may remember her from her brief Channel 8 new fame). The film was E.T. and Ms. Jane gave it a horrible review. After seeing and loving the film, myself, I decided then and there Ms. Jane was an idiot. So you see my logic…if Ms. Jane was an idiot and gave E.T., (E.T. !!! for Pete’s sake!!!), a bad review, and Ms. Jane was a movie critic….then ALL critics must give bad movie reviews. I hope you “so” get me.

This week’s movie was Pain and Gain.  Go to “Heads Up In Movieland” to see review please.